So, as my regular readers will know, this whole 'penetration' thing has been bubbling under for some time now... and last night I talked it through with Mistress R and finally felt like we'd reached a proper understanding between us. As I had suspected, penetration is enjoyable for Mistress R, but the feeling of having me inside her is more important than having me hammering away at her for twenty minutes...!
I brought up the recent episode where she asked me to penetrate her and I had to stop because I was getting too close to cumming (very quickly), and she told me that she wasn't disappointed I had to stop, she liked to feel my cock in her, but she also liked that I was turned on so much by it... personally I would have liked to have been a little bit less turned on by it and at least been able to enjoy it a while longer! But still, I still have a feeling the cocksling was something to do with it. I've kind of got out of the habit of wearing it and so I think maybe it was just too intense, on top of being on top of Mistress (for only the second time in 4 months!) and what, 7 or 8 days without orgasm.
I decided to bring up the whole 'letting me cum if she wants me to go longer' and 'using a dildo on her if she wanted it' and all that stuff, and got a very positive response. Actually a much better response than I could have hoped for, since she finally came off the fence and gave me some clear responses about this whole issue.
Also we talked about the whole 'giving up control' but then not accepting what is happening thing. Which is particularly relevant to the penetration issue, because (as she agreed) it's hard for a guy to give up control and then when he realises that his wife isn't acting the way he thought she would (e.g. asking for penetration...) he feels the need to tinker and try and 'help'.
I wouldn't say this is topping from the bottom, because it's not that the guy is necessarily trying to get what he wants, it's more (certainly in my case) that he feels like he's given all the control to her and she's struggling with it, struggling to accept the control and decide what she really wants... (or at least, I felt like she had asked for penetration and I had been unable to really give her that, because my chastity was getting in the way), so that made me feel like it wasn't working because she wasn't 'making it work', if that makes sense.
The upshot being that, of course, it's not my place to be interfering. If she's not happy, she needs to change things or she needs to talk to me about what will work (if she can't work it out for herself).
Actually, sometimes it probably doesn't help that us guys in chastity are pretty sexually driven, since we are constantly thinking about sex, and so maybe we feel like, 'if I was given complete autonomy I would be doing this and that', for example I might think, 'well she can have whatever she pleases, surely she's going to ask me to use this glass dildo on her now', but she might not, perhaps because she doesn't want it or perhaps because  she's quite happy with my fingers!
It's hard for guys to understand this, because we feel like we are giving the keys to kingdom, but our wives are happiest staying in the house they've always lived in, because it's where they feel at home. Plus of course, us guys have fantasized for however long about the passing of control and what that's going to mean, the drastic changes that are going to occur, well... in our case the changes really aren't that drastic.
Anyway, we've cleared that whole thing up now and she knows that I am happy with whatever she chooses to do, or have me do for her.
This feels like a hell of a big breakthrough to me since really this has been the last major issue I had with this whole thing, and because I hadn't been able to get to the bottom of how Mistress R really feels about this I really didn't know whether this was going to work permanently.
Now I am confident that we are both on the same page and that we both understand the way forward, and yes I'm sure that does mean that penetration is likely to be sporadic, but I guess I should have guessed that long ago, when Mistress R asked me to agree to the rule that I wasn't allowed to ask for penetration.
Still, I am willing to accept that because I want this to work and I'm sure it will now. Another thing Mistress R and I discussed last night was how giving her the control meant that there was no pressure anymore. If one of you is willing to submit (doesn't matter which one really) then all the tension is taken away, because there's no awkwardness or 'should I suggest doing something' or any of that. If she's in the mood and wants me to pleasure her then she tells me, otherwise she won't. For my part, I am always eager and because all that pressure is off me I can relax and enjoy it. The same for her because now there's no pressure on her to have sex if she doesn't want to... perhaps they should suggest this to couples having relationship troubles, or performance anxiety troubles!

Anyway. Last night was great, we sorted out all this crap and it felt like a weight was lifted, finally, and we are now both committed to what we are doing. We stayed up pretty late and when we went to bed I got so hard that I asked Mistress R if I could touch my cock, which I haven't done for ages. She said yes, but only for three minutes, she stroked it softly a few times until the clock changed and then let go. I took over and after about two minutes she reminded me that I wasn't allowed to cum and that I shouldn't go 'too far'. When the three minutes were up she ordered me to let go and then we kissed goodnight. It took my cock a full five minutes (without stimulation of any kind) to soften after that, it was remarkable!!!

I feel like I'm at a HUGE crossroads right now. Things are just getting so fucked up and my mental state is suffering, badly!

I'm feeling a little conflicted about the whole chastity thing at the moment, simply because of what happened the other day. See, I was okay with it when I could make love to Mistress R and not cum, but the other day I couldn't take more than a minute without having to stop! That is not good. She asks me to put my cock in her and I have to stop after a minute because I'm going to cum, that's negatively affecting her, maybe we need to think about this some more.

Last night was wonderful though, Mistress R had a really hard orgasm on my tongue and despite being sleepy she still gave some wonderful teasing, just her hand this time, but still left me pretty desperate to cum I can tell you.

It's a peculiar thing, but I haven't watched a porn DVD since we started this... I have a few (okay more than a few!) and of course I have my favourites, these are all excellent!

Read a very interesting thing about the effects of testosterone during chastity this morning (some of you may have read it as it was briefly posted here earlier and then removed).
According to what I read, and part of it was written after some degree of consultation with a doctor, during the first month of male chastity, testosterone levels increase because the absence of orgasm means that they are not naturally depleted. After about a month, the body starts to scale back production and also starts to break down the existing testosterone to keep the level reasonable (although still somewhat higher than normal).
According to this then, us men are actually literally getting a natural 'high' and that's why we love doing this so much!
The author then went on to say that since she and her husband have been practicing male chastity, she's noticed that both her and her husband are losing weight, have more energy and are getting things done better.
She also claims that when women orgasm it stimulates production of testosterone in women also, and this leads to increased desire for more orgasms.
Since 'testosterone' is a hormone which promotes 'getting things done (hunt, sex, work, etc) it's easy to see why male chastity can produce positive benefits for both partners, and that anything which helps increase the level of testosterone production in the male (and the female) is a good thing.

Perhaps this is why my diet is working this time then?

Mistress R will be taken care of tonight, and that will be her 40th orgasm since the 1st April. That will mean she's had 40 to my 9 (and four of them were in April!). Even if she decides to let me cum tonight, which I doubt very much, she will still have enjoyed four orgasms for every one of mine since we started. And if things carry on as they are that imbalance is only going to get bigger. I hope eventually I will only be getting one for every ten of hers, that would be wonderful, whether hers become more frequent or mine become more scarce. If it wasn't for Mistress R's generosity in April then I would be a lot closer to that now. Still, I can well imagine that being more like one for every six by the end of the year, as the distorting effect of those early orgasms ebb away...